5 May 98 Today is my dead sister's birthday. She would have been 18. Those who have been reading all along know who she was - Lydia, fatally shot in Mississippi 1 Oct of last year. In my confessions, I speak of my shame and guilt for not missing her as much as I think I should. It is still deeply moving to remember the many many messages of condolence and comfort I received from all my true and wonderful friends. This is unfortunate timing also, as my dad just bought a computer this past weekend and is learning the ins and outs of the internet. The first email from him came today. He is the parent everybody wants, whom you can discuss almost anything with, so I told him where my journal is. It didn't hit me that he might be looking at my journal today, of all sad days. I love that he is on the net, quite a bit, it's just the timing, is all. 6 May 98 The money situation is getting worse. None of the checks I've been expecting have come in; one is more than a week overdue. I had to borrow money from the huz to pay childcare. Let your imagination roam on the price I'm paying for that. The internet bill is due the 22d, so if I go off the air, you know why. Actually I might be able to swing it by going monthly instead of yearly. If they let me do that. The bill doesn't indicate that they might let me change my plan. Some of these past months it's been a blessing I was paid up in advance; there wouldn't have been enough cash to stay connected month in and month out. The good news is that I might have a stint instructing people on Microsoft Project, if I can sufficiently demonstrate familiarity and teaching ability to the guy I've been working for tomorrow. I'll be studying late tonight. 7 May 98 Didn't get around to the Project meeting today, will do that tomorrow. The boss also gave me the name and number of a contact with a major medical organization that desperately needs instructors. This temp thing was such a good idea. Also got a couple job leads for Texas, but dunno whether to pass them on to Z or not. Things are a bit strange just now. My help might be interference, from his point of view. Huz got crazy spending today. Wanted to buy me a digital camera on credit. $450. I knew not to say anything; that would start someting very, very nasty. So I sulked until he changed his mind. I am not materialistic, especially from under an avalanche of debt. He got me a Marcus Johnson Project CD and a box of wine instead. Anniversary is the 9th, 5 years. Huz continues to visibly support my efforts eerily enthusiastically this week, like arranging the child care and letting me use the van, but he makes me pay in mental stress. Kids too. I cried a lot today. Never let him see a tear. Ever. 8 May 98 The yearning to write is so strong, it's hard to curb, even when I just plain don't have the time. Then again, time cuts me off sometimes. 9 May 98 What I wanted to say yesterday was that I saw someone who saw me and it was funny. Driving back from an appointment, a guy who wants me to train his team on MS Project, the van came up to a red light alongside a big red work truck piled high with lumber and ladders. The truck was a four-door, and despite the rain, an elbow hung out the rear passenger window. Above the elbow was a face, and the face was grinning at me. It was a mischievous and playful leer, involving wrinkles about the eyes, little round cheeks, and a moustache. I looked at him, then looked at the road. I glanced back over to find him still grinning, and it was starting to catch on at my end. His smile deepend and I looked at the road again, fighting a smirk. I couldn't help but glance over one more time, and he was smiling so hard his cheeks might have popped off. I stopped resisting and beamed back at him, chuckling. He was chuckling, too, as the light changed and we rolled off at differing speeds, on our own missions. I needed that, pretty badly. It was a horrible day. Today was better in some ways. Worked a church flea market, got to hang with people I sorta know, get to know them better. The people who are adopting Keeps came to get him today. I don't want to talk about that much. I cried a lot. 'Nuff said. 10 May 98 Another fucking weekend. It's so good when the week starts and I'm not around him all the time. After church we went to an art exhibit of my choosing, DC Arts Center's final day of "Guns in the Hands of Artists." Found out about it by way of sidewalk.com. Not as many pieces as I expected, but still very good. Some artists in New Orleans had used broken guns from Operation Hope - the program where people turn in guns to the police in exchange for food and other useful goods - in their various forms of art, mostly sculptures and photography. My boys came up with some interesting interpretations of the art. I miss Keeps. He's not being beaten though. It's good for him. In DC, I longed to live in the city. The compulsion is strong, almost as compelling as the need to write, and the drives for sex and love, all of which have me feeling like a lost sail, fallen from the mast of an old ship, being ripped apart by ocean currents. I don't understand it. All that there is for me to do, and what I most want to do right now is write and write, and keep on spilling the contents of my mind and my heart all over the screen, until I fall down exhausted. This little entry is all I permit myself. Much needs to be done. Last night, went driving alone to explore some, maybe find some live music, while huz dowloaded and installed shit on the laptop he just bought on credit, as though we can afford it. I got lost deliberately many times in rhe areas of Odenton, Bowie, and Laurel, windows down in the chilly, sprinkly air in order to hear the thumping of high volume bass. I finally found a pub off Main Street in Laurel, but as I was parking, I saw the time. Lotta options here, none of them good. Took the coward's way out. Went home and sulked. Took a little heat, but countered it with guilt. It was our anniversary, after all. 12 May 98 Fell asleep while the puter was doing a DOS scandisk last night. Win scandisk doesn't work on this machine. Puter is starting to act truly fuct, as opposed to mildly fuct. May be time for a complete overhaul, checking all wiring connections, blowing off dust, rearranging the loose hd in there. Since the puter is suffering spouse-induced schizophrenia, I prolly should wipe and start over. Again. Maybe with WinNT this time. One of the long awaited checks came in. It was so late because it left New Jersey twice and went to Massachusetts twice. Its destination in Mass. bears no resemblance in either name or zip code to my address. Landed the MS Project instructing gig. Now I gotta formulate a curriculum and find out a couple quirks in the program that are pertinent to the business I'm catering to. It means going in, because it's an older version of Project for Win 3.1. That's ok, though, it also means hanging with Lorraine, Yolanda, and Ethel. Lorraine has a wonky puter I need to look at soon. Some dialup problem, shouldn't take long to fix. --- O yea verily, my machine is fuct. I observed the symptoms more closely this time. The machine made one of the sounds it makes upon startup, that revving up, jet-taking-off sound, then the hd light came on and didn't go off. The jet sound stopped, the cursor froze, and the light blinked, while the c drive went crankety-crankety-crank. Then the jet sound again. This happened three times, and then the bluescreen error that wouldn't go away, ctrl-alt-del and "any key" notwithstanding. I've avoided it too long: I must now learn hardware. The cover is off while I write and work, so I can see and hear everything. Heat must surely be a problem in there, as the extra hd (aka d, e, and f drives) and all that cabling are packed tight in the farthest corner from that puny fan. While the cover is off, I have the hd sitting on top of the chasis (for want of a better word). Cryon, if you are reading, hope you are having a good laugh; this has to be funny as hell to you. Don't worry, I'll figure it out, and then I'll fix it. I know, I prolly look silly doing all this in the full virtual view of people who know this stuff. But then I looked silly when first learning about auto mechanics. I don't feel so silly about that now. --- Ten hours and it still hasn't crashed. So maybe it IS a heat thing. I have an extra fan scavenged from a 286 that might do the trick, but it will never fit inside THIS case, with all this stuff. Will figure a solution. Don't want this thing lying about open all the time. I noticed today, as gradually and mysteriously as when it went askew, my pinched nerve has recovered. I have full sensation without pain in my arm and all my fingers.