21 Apr 98 Saw a burned-out bus being hauled on the NJ tpk. Thought of that news story about the guy sloshing gas onto a bus and lighting it. Job interview, visit with Brooklynguy, another interview and prospective client. Fight over the money I owe Huz and will pay tomorrow. Steak and rice for supper. NkdApe and Zach offer comfort. Warehouse on hiatus until the move is made. Things are happening too fast now. 22 Apr 98 Opened separate checking account. Worked most of the day on a document for the head hunter to pass on to his client. Had no day care; Twink's kid was sick. Found a hubcap. Pianoman isn't coming tomorrow after all. Terribly disappointing; but that's life, I guess. 23 Apr 98 New Military ID card; old one was lost couple weeks ago at the hospital. Long bike ride at lunch to fill tires. Mailed off acceptance of pre-approved credit card. Have no intention of using it, just like the Heilig-Myers and Montgomery Ward cards gathering dust in my wallet. Feels good that my credit is finally good again. It's been a long 7 years (Desert Storm). Big typing job tonight, took a lot of hours, but is cash in my pocket. Hands and arm hurt. 24 Apr 98 Over past week, have been formulating the plan. 1. Change savings account to checking. (done) 2. Get Maryland driver's license. (still using the California one) This is important when finding a place to live, starting utilities, getting a bank loan, registering a vehicle, etc. etc. which I will be doing very soon. 3. Concurrently, find job. I can do administrative stuff, website design, and training. The other steps cannot occur until job is found. 4. Find place to live not too far from job. 1-2 bedroom apt. with access to public transit, affordable rent. Considering sharing a house with other folks, maybe. One dog is with me. 5. Need new daycare. Current daycare hours are 7:30am-4:00pm. Paying the same price as some who do 6-6. The quality is good, but I need to be able to work during daycare hours. Plus, daycare needs to be near job and/or home. 6. Utilities for place to live. 7. Wheels. I can abscond with the van for a short while, but that is a weakness, he can claim theft. Need small light pickup truck with bench seat (one adult, two kids), old is ok, rusty is fine, as long as it runs and is cheap. Need tag, inspection and insurance too. 8. Rent a U-Haul and get what is coming with me from here, then empty the storage locker into it, haul to new place to live. That's it so far. It's still evolving. Worked furiously on tabular data, took Keeps for a walk at lunchtime, down to the golf course. Am engaging in some kind of physical activity every day now. My butt is enlarging. I knew it would, when I quit smoking and put kids in daycare. 27 Apr 98 Not going into great detail about how awful the weekend went. Went to shul without huz, had much better time. Got angry at a client Saturday, went on very long walking trip all over the post, with 70 lbs. worth of kids in wagon. Got sunburned and sore. Huz found out about the storage locker. Moomie told. I never told him not to tell, don't wanna make a liar of him. Up to now he just hasn't thought to say anything. I no longer have access to the "joint" account nor the van without prior permission. I told huz the stuff in the locker is stored for sale. Even so, it was bad. Went to church Sunday, all of us. Today the job hunt continues. Studied "What Color is Your Parachute?" despite its being the 94 edition. Got some rejection emails, but am not surprised. I need a bigger network of contacts. I need to do the homework in the book. Hey! Out there! I need a job. (Oops! Am SEEKING an OPPORTUNITY!) I design websites, train people to use applications (though I can train nearly anyone to do anything), and make a damn fine administrative associate. There isn't much I haven't done yet, from waitressing to soldiering, but the aforementioned things are the ones I do best. Am willing to relocate, though I'd rather stay on the eastern seaboard, no further north than New York and no further south than Virginia. Stacy "Spring Dew" Sommer spring@springdew.com (410) 672-0514 (Yes, I know this is risky. My needs are great.) 28 Apr 98 I still need to find $170 before the 1st, but I have two client checks coming in. Hope they have the wings of Mercury on them. Got started late for lunch, was nine minutes late coming back. Dock my pay. During lunch I biked down to the post office, collected my Paint Shop Pro upgrade. I hear good things about it. On the way back, I made it all the way up the hill without dismounting. Big accomplishment, both for me and the gear-impaired bike. 29 Apr 98 It's my mom's bday. Scrounged enough pennies to make some photocopies of the exercises in Parachute that I need to do. Familiarized myself some on PSP5. It utilizes that "layers" concept I have heard so much about. I have to relearn the way I make images, but that will be good. Much more is possible than it was before. It's official; I hate Super Notetab 4. When I brought it up just now, it had a copy of the huz's homework, and under that these notes. Which means when he brought it up to do his homework, these notes are what he saw when the program opened. There is a slim chance that he saw the dates and inferred this was something to do with my journal and decided not to read. I don't count on it though. Damn defaults! I only just got SNT4, didn't realize it would open automatically on last document. Must undo that. 30 Apr 98 A check should arrive today (praying). Twink's son is sick today, had to find a sub on my own, will have to pay her myself instead of Twink reimbursing her. Needless to say, I'll be getting two days worth of credit against tomorrow's payment, one for today and one for the day she didn't keep the kids last week. The sub is more expensive, charging by hour instead of by day, so I will have to go get them early. Data entry this morning, refamiliarizing myself with Excel and using it for inventory database. Will break for Parachute homework and trip to bank for cash. -- No luck. That ever-important check did not come in. I must try and cut a deal with Twink, maybe ask her to hang onto a bad check over the weekend until it gets backed. Boober threw up just as we arrived at the store; everyone got hit. We went back home and cleaned up, and huz insisted we all go back to the store, although I insisted from previous experience that Boober would puke again. Huz refused to believe me. I was proven right. Three more times. One of them at the store. I don't think you should haul a sick kid up and down aisles anyway, but what do I know? Apparently nothing. No apology, no acknowledgement, nothing. No remorse. Bastard. 1 May 98 Misha the Other Dog's bday. He's 4. Yesterday I found one of those kneeling chairs. 2 May 98 There is a difference between polyamorous and fickle. Jealousy is a sign that something is wrong with a relationship, not necessarily that something is wrong with a person. In my case, there IS no relationship, therefore I should not be jealous. But I am. I am enflamed. I am full of rage and loss and failure. And bitterness. What a puny human am I. 3 May 98 Better. Got a caring email from the one I was so jealous about yesterday. Sometimes I am very stupid. As I said yesterday, jealousy is about the relationship, or lack thereof. I think we understand each other better now. She asked for more info on just what was going on, and I filled her in as best I could, on how things have been going and the sort of stalemate we have reached now. How he and I don't believe we are meant to be. How it really is all over, but for a loving friendship. I hope it satisfies her, as her message to me satisfies me. Neither of us is a threat to the other. We were friends before, and I consider us friends still. It still doesn't undo my opinion that he is fickle. I watch him fall in love every few weeks. And it kind of feels like what we had wasn't all that special. Not a very affirming feeling.