Stray Bits

Ok, so I am cheating.  It's really the ninth, but after I gathered my thoughts for this entry last night, I was just too tired to stay up and write it.

Fayetteville, North Carolina.  We're stopping over to visit a friend of my husband and his family.  They have two small boys.  The vasectomy didn't take; baby Rachel is due early next month.  These folks are on the net, a little.  Borrowed the puter long enough to catch up on ICQ messages and Zach's journal.  It hurts that I haven't been there for him, when I might have been some help, maybe.

Zach talks about three women.  This isn't a stolen idea, but I have three men on my mind most of the time.  I feel the whole spectrum of emotion with each, but lately one haunts me with passion, one with tenderness, and one with worry.  They are all married, two to actual live women, one to his business.

If you notice Zach and I have a lot in common, and you do the astrology thing, we are both Aquarians.  He was born six days later but one year earlier than I was.  His aascendant is Scorpio, mine Gemini; don't ask me what that means, I dunno.  I myself don't really subscribe to astrology but I do remain open to the idea that similarities in people sometimes fall in patterns.  Maybe there is something in it, who knows?

My husband has visited this site.  I was astonished to get some email from him just before we made this journey.  He had written to me from work to tell me he liked the new format, and that there is a spelling error on the main page (Did you notice it? If so, why didn't you write me?).  He said he didn't get around to reading the journal, but I think he just might, sooner or later.  I forsee some problems when that time comes.  I deal with things in here that he'd probably rather not face.

It was surprising because he never reads my work.  I used to beg him to read my poetry, gave up long ago.

He is trying, he really is.  And he is a good man, down in his heart.  He has the best of intentions, noble dreams, admirable ideals.  Because he is trying so hard to be The Good Husband now, it seems I should fall in love with him all over again.

It's so late.  It's so late in the game for that.  And though his efforts have changed, his nature has not.

I feel so goddamned guilty for not feeling what I am supposed to feel.  I should look at his effort and struggle and I should be forgiving and tender.  I should embrace him warmly and renew my commitment to him.

Instead, I feel dead, and all I want is out.