i removed him from my icq list.  seeing his name there, untagged, uneyeballed, just sitting there silent to me, was too much.  i kept catching myself praying he'd say something, anything.  it's not my way, to wait anxiously for a call.

yesterday several of my beloved called me on the phone, to see what was wrong, to comfort me best they could.  blessings they are, each shining their unique light on me.  they each take a different tack but arrive at the same place:  he will be fine, and so will i.

that's likely true, i been through worse and survived.  survival isn't the issue.
it's loss that's the issue.  and also being hurt by someone who wont even acknowledge the hurt, brushes it all off as unimportant.  he thinks my pain is so minor.  so irrelevant.  fuck him.

i got jars in my soul too, i just keep em empty under the sink.  for just in case.

to my sweethearts:  sorry i am spending so much time dwelling on him, it's just the situation.  your love is soothing and comforting, and i thank you for it, for everything.  i will not withdraw from you.

Updtae:

just got some email.  ok don't fuck him.  he may still think my pain is irrelevant.  he apparently thinks this is something i am doing to myself.  but at least he is sorry.  at least he acknowledges that the pain is there.  that goes a long way.