i woke from a night of worry, on the sofa.  i had been making phone calls, or trying to, all night.  i had wrestled with the idea of calling every Denny's in the Dallas area, but realized if i was gonna do that, might as well call every pizza joint and movie theater too, as well as hospitals and police stations.  all i could do was keep calling and hope he'd come home ok.

when i awoke and called, the line was busy.  he was home.  and online.  thank God.

i got online and asked if everything was ok.

it wasn't ok.

not only wasn't it ok with him, things weren't ok between us.  he didn't want to see me.  he didn't want to talk to me.  he was cutting me off, and he wanted me to let go.

let go.

i offered friendship.  i offered space.  i offered to back off and let him alone awhile.  this isn't what he wanted.  he wanted me to let go.

this hurts so much i am withdrawing.  can't have my heart out on the net like this.  course, by saying so, i am doing it again.  let's see if i can't do it to a lesser degree.  be more shallow.  keep my shields up better.

heh, sheilds.  i'd dropped mine, cuz i trusted him.  gotta learn you can never drop your shields.