 Hoo
Boy!
What big fat eventful days these past few have
been! You know it has to be something when I don't post in here for
awhile. Oh God, I dunno where to start, chronologically, order of
importance, what?
Monday I spent a nice chunk of time with my Brooklynguy.
Heaven on earth, how sweet it is to love and be loved. Before that
I had been working on a new client's site. Wanna see?
It's far from done, needs refinements. Then I played in Active
Worlds for awhile, looking up my old haunts, seeing friends I hadn't
seen in a long time. Somenone kindly helped me find my old lake,
which was in a very messy state, too many bushes and cattails, so I worked
on cleaning it up a bit. Then a date with my city boy, how elevating.
Tuesday I met with my husband in an ICE
chat thingy I have, tried hard to be nice, to be supportive.
But he pushed all my buttons, hitting on me and getting upset that I wasn't
very aroused. Barbing me with comments about how much I must hate
him and how bad things must be if I don't want him around. Talking
about how hot chat with him used to turn me on so much. Finally he
naively spurted that we have to learn tenderness again. I blew.
Fuck tenderness, it's civility that isn't happening here. I comply
and compromise and do my damndest to be nice, even when I feel like shit,
and don't get the same courtesy done me. Family, to me, is not a
group of people who have to be the ones you take all life's frustrations
out on. They should be the ones you love and respect above all others.
Above all others. Because the boys and I happen to be related
to him, he thinks he is entitled to call the boys fuckheads and to show
me no respect whatsoever.
Ah, well, if I go into every issue that got raised
in that three-hour fight, this would indeed be a very, very long entry.
The end result was that he now knows I have no inention of staying here
any longer than financially compelled to. And he isn't taking it
well.
I spent more of the day making deals, and then in
the evening met my Brooklynguy for some comforting. Oh how wonderful
that was! When he was ready to go to bed, I mentioned I was meeting
someone in Acrophobia for a round or
two before bedtime, and lo and behold, Brooklynguy met us there.
My harlequin was the one I was meeting for a game or two, and we played
for a time, then Brooklynguy did go to bed. My butterfly went on
to make it to the faceoff round; I was so pleased. We left before
I could get sucked into the next round and met in AW, where he showed me
some of Mount Bob, a place I had heard much about but never seen.
It was magic. A friend, Rjinswand, had constructed
this huge lovely place so cleverly out of the limited model supply, that
now it is a "national treasure" so to speak. Nobody who has seen
it has not admired it. And this was territory that my sweetheart
knew well, so he showed me many wonders, hidden waterfalls and cavernous
mazes and snowcapped slopes. It was breathtaking. And ever
so much more so for the company.
I have never fallen in love with the same person
twice. For me, if it's over, it's over. So tell me, how did
this happen? Where is this joy and light coming from; since when
do I deserve such blessings?
Yesterday the phone rang at 4:30 in the morning.
It was my husband, spoiling for another fight. Master of psychological
warfare, that one. Wake up the enemy in the middle of the night;
make the most of mental disorientation. Since I go to bed about 2:00
am, 4:30 is the middle of my night. Anyway, I didn't fight much,
was too tired. Apparently he called just about everyone we know,
wanting them to talk to me. Apparently now he wants marriage
counseling. I begged and pleaded with him to go to marriage counseling
two years ago, when the marriage was getting so shaky that I was worried
it wouldn't last. I supported whatever methods he needed to get some
inner peace, martial arts, religion, whatever he needed. The peace
in the house is so sacred to me, I was ready to go to any lengths to preserve
it; hell, I still am. The point is, it's too fucking late!
It is just too late now. How battered can you get and still love
somebody? How long can you put up with it and still get a fuzzy glow?
I hate the bastard, I outright hate him. I don't want to salvage
the marriage any longer, and I don't see any indication that he will just
suddenly start being kind to the children, start letting them be kids and
stop holding them to adult ideals. I worked damned hard on the marriage,
and he only now gets a clue when it's too late. Long after it's been
too late.
I spent the day with Brooklynguy, and such a relief,
such a zone of peace and love. All he has to do is be there, and
everything gets mellow and smooth and warm. It was wonderful!
The evening was a bit more nasty. One friend
was sexually assaulted, and another got jilted because his girlfriend's
friend insulted him and he told the girl to back off. I did get to
exchange a few nice words with my butterfly, and that was warm and sweet.
And Brooklynguy helped me soothe our harassed friend. It was a brandy
and lemonade night.
Now I have a new dilema. I've been invited
to a party with some people I've found fascinating for a long time, can't
wait to go. But, the date is the 7th, the same day the husband
gets back from Germany. Sorely tempted to go anyway.
Just got off that ICE chat with the husband.
He is all contrite and willing to do anything to comply with my wishes
in the hopes it will keep me wanting to stay. I told him I want my
own place, and he didn't fight me. He asked if I will live nearby,
and I said of course, will not deprive children of either parent.
He was very conciliatory, and asked me to go to marriage counseling, which
I will, as a token of goodwill, for I know it won't save the marriage.
But if it saves some aspect of the relationship, that will be good.
This man will be a part of my life forever, family even, this father of
my children. Whatever can increase the peace, I am for. In
a burst of olvie branchness, I told him about the party and asked him if
he wanted to go with me. Probably a stupid move, but it seemed to
help. He said he might rather stay at home with the boys. We
will see. He claims to have no intention of trying to prevent me
from going. It's amazing to see this new turn in him.
That is how things stand now. Yes I know "day
in the life" entires are not my usual thing. But these have not been
usual days.
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