Peace in a Bottle  Well, I wish I could have some.  Actually the peace around here is in surplus, wish there were a way to bottle it up for later.  See, my husband is still in Germany, has been for a few weeks now, and it's amazing how quiet and laid back the house is.  Way a home oughta be.      I think home should be where you go at the end of the day to escape the world at large, and be around people for whom you don't have to put on your act, people who love you for who you are, and also for the fact you are related to them.  Now, I am not saying there isn't stress.  There's stuff going on all the time, like always.  The kids still broke spaghetti all over the living room, I still locked my keys in the house the other day.  We still are scraping the bottom of our bank account.  Difference is, there is nobody freaking out about everything here, except me, but very little of it freaks me out, and when I do go nuts, I don't call my children assholes.  I am capable of being a really shitty mom, but it seems like I have a much longer fuse.      I have made peace with my harlequin, and we are tentatively progressing.  It's so tempting to go nuts back into the deep end where we were last, but it's scary, too.  We both have freshly wounded hearts, and it makes sense to be friends, at least for awhile.      While we were making up the other day, I asked why I can't be Elaine to his Seinfeld.  He told me he hated that whole concept cuz it is so illogical.  Funny thing is for a long time the only thing I liked about that show was that relationship.  It seems a lot more logical than most humans are capable of.  I mean the wider a person's network of friends and relatives is, the higher that person's chances for survival, so it make sense to make friends out of previous lovers, especially if you care so much about them that you don't want their light to leave your life no matter what, and are so committed to their happiness that if it means to let go of a romance to keep a friendship, you'll do it.  It makes very good sense to me, on an emotional as well as logical level.  Unfortunately there are other emotions that interfere and it's not always possible.      He sent me this postcard as we were exploring and trying to figure things out. We played cross-dress-up for awhile.  He looks so Kirstie Alley here in A'Tuin.        It was just so damn joyous to be there, to be adventuring and exploring together a world neither of us had been to in months.  So much had changed and there were bits of evidence that his influence had indeed left its mark.  I keep sending him newsgroup clippings and screen shots of places where his presence has changed AW for the better.  Trying to help him see that he does so much that is positive.  And that is just one areana; I haven't even addressed what he's done for online journaling.  But he has an esteem problem, and nobody can make him see his worth except himself.      Shortly after this I had something of a disagreeable discussion with brooklynguy.  It wasn't his fault, it was mine.  He has told me he is sensitive to certain issues, and after having a rough evening, didn't need to hear about them as soon as he saw me.  When I get hurt, he gets hurt.  Terribly.  So he is not very thrilled about people who have hurt me, regardless of whether it was intentional or not.  Whether I have forgiven or not.  We worked through this and made peace there also.  I recognize the need to be more considerate in the future.  -- Spring