A Fair Way  Yes that really was Brooklynguy who authored the last entry.  If you'd like to see more of his work, his journal is "A Tree Grows in Brooklyn".      Now, of course, I am writing into the future, a la Zach a couple months ago, though he got like four or five days into the future.  Since I skip days rather frequently, it looks like I'll catch up again pretty quick.  Or rather time will catch up to me.      I've been hearing a song on the radio lately, and I really like it, thought it is very different from the rest of what my station of choice plays.  They describe themselves as a rock station, and that may be the case, who knows anymore.  But this song is "Zoot Suit Riot" and was born for the jitterbug.  Heh, no mention in the lyrics about switchblades, though.  Zoot suits and switchblades are married in my mind.      I finally got to see "The Fifth Element" tonight.  Finally.  And it was damned good.  I love Bruce Willis anyways, despite his tendency to cut his hair too damn short, but the music was terrific, and all the Arabic references were a riot.  For instance, notice the writing on the police uniforms that looks like an alien scrawl?  That is actually Arabic, written in a blocky typeface.  It says a word the Arabs borrowed from English: roughly pronounced "boowleece" - police.  All the music was dripping in Arab influence.  It was amazing.      My mood had been much better since writing the 20 Feb entry.  Coming to all those realizations, and getting them out into words, has made a world of difference.  One problem, however:  now I have to break the bad news, the news that I still plan to leave, to the hubby.  This is really bad cuz I think he is in an optimistic frame of mind.  He was writing in his journal this morning, and though I did not read over his shoulder, I did see the title.  "Hope."  Not a good sign.      Things have been peaceful here of late.  He has been really, really nice past few days, maybe in reaction to my terrible depression, or in response to the marriage counselor.  Whatever the inspiration, he has really been making a concerted effort lately, and the past couple weeks - since he got home from Germany - have been much better than before he left.  And of course I am trying to give him positive feedback when he does good, it's only right to do so.  But I think it's giving him a false sense of hope.      God is he gonna blow when I break it to him.  He is gonna feel like I am so evil, and it is sooo unfair, after all the hard work he is putting in to be a reformed man.      It is unfair.  Wish there were a fair way.      Oh, about yesterday's entry, that plea for money, I think Brooklynguy is trying to drive home a point.  He has said more than once that if any of the people I loved loved me at all, they would support me in my endeavors for financial independence.  That's why past experiences in which it appears as though someone I loved were taking financial advantage of me seem so appalling to him.  He says that if they loved me, they would shell out real world support, in the form of cash, work, useful objects, whatever, to help me reach my goals.  I think there is a world of difference between should and can.  He makes a strong argument, though.  Anyway, I think he threw that invitation out there to show me a way to measure love, and that if nothing materializes, he can say "I told you so.  See, they don't really care enough to help you out, so why should you love them?"  I dunno.  Whaddya think?  I am not saying I subscribe to his philosophy, nor am I concerned if nothing comes of it.  I just wanna know if you think he is full of it or dead-on or somewhere in between.    -- Spring