Three Days 

19 May 7:40 am 
Yeah, I can hardly believe it.  Past few days have been, well, they have BEEN.  Huz had Friday and Monday off, so he pretty much got to dictate the misery around here for four days solid.  For instance, he was yakking about those plastic wading pools while we were on our way to the sitter to pick up some dirty laundry the kids left there last week, and he just nonchalantly drove right past it.  Well I know how huge a sin it is to interrupt him, but it is also a huge sin to let him screw up and to say nothing.  I got caught in the conflict and rather than answer his question about whether to buy one of said pools, I mumbled, "Um, where we going?"  Wrong answer.  He jumped all in my shit for blowing off his question and for mumbling.  No right answer.  There never is. 
    This interruption thing drives me to fury.  He apparently comes from a family where it is very wrong to interrupt someone in a train of thought, even if they spoke a sentence, came to a full stop indicating the end of that sentence, then paused to formulate the next one.  God forBID you should open your mouth at even THAT moment.  I have a speaking style that is described as culturally Jewish, though I myself am not from a culturally Jewish family, in which the ideas go flying like mad, people interrupt each other, and often get excited about what they are discussing.  The rapid exchange of information is much more important than the decorum of taking turns making speeches. 
    The infuriating part is that while I understand his speaking style and try to respect it (it is in my nature to try to accommodate others), he jumps all over my ass for mine.  I am so WRONG, all the time. 
    Yet good things have happened too.  I got a killer job lead, but am afraid to detail it for fear of jinx.  I will tell you as soon as it comes to pass or fails to materialize. 
Might get to take a trip up to New Jersey for an interview Friday, if I can swing it. 
    Finally lost my head and kissed my friend.  It was the absolute best a virtual kiss can get, and that's a lot better than many folks think.  All the swooning and heart-thumping and stuff associated with a meatspace kiss stem from intense emotion.  It's possible to have intense emotion about someone who is not right next to you. 
    The joy and relief are immense.  There was so much fear and anxiety wrapped up in the urge that are now loosed to fly off into the magnetosphere, now I can more fully enjoy the company of my sweet friend without panicking over whether I will go too far and scare him off. 
    I really need to just go ahead and let Z go, just fade away. Every day I stay in contact with him is a day I am more pathetic than the last. I irritate him. The other day I needed some moral support and tried to explain to him why. 
    See, there is this person I know from elsewhere who also keeps an online journal. When I discovered this, quite by accident while cruising around journal sites, I messaged him, "Hey! I didn't know you kept a journal!" He reacted with horror and told me not to read his journal nor ever mention its existence. "Last thing I need is for people from [elsewhere] to find out about this." Thing is, with all the people from [elsewhere] now discovering online journals, it's just a matter of time. Hell, the jig may be up even as I write this. After all, I found his site, right? I know what the right thing to do is. It's to do as asked and not peek and not tell. But the not peeking is so HARD. This person fascinates me. I have not read it, am holding out so far. 
    I needed Z to help me be strong about doing the right thing, but all I did was annoy him. I told him just what I've written now, no more. Part of the obligation, you know. "Don't bring things up if you can't tell me," he said. 
    It's very degrading to be where you aren't wanted. It's time to go. 

11:59 am 
    There really are a lot of small chunks of joy in my everyday life. I don't always convey them. I must have a job. I am pushing forward on getting a job. My full time job right now is finding employment. I'm doing that. Now. 
    Now, time for lunch before afternoon appointments.