 Man
Troubles
Slowly, sadly, I am removing the silver hand from
my right ear. It's probably about time. It wasn't there as
long as I'd hoped, just a matter of months. Dreams die hard, and
not knowing what's next, or what's supposed to be next, rushed them along.
I met him nearly a year ago now. Friendship
was first, then something powerful, compelling overtook us, then we began
to work together. The heat cooled and contentment set in. Working
side by side for common goals filled in the gaps. Then the intimacy
fell away as contact shrank to less and less. And then the friendship
withered. And finally the business ties. And through it all
I held out hope for a revival.
"I will always love you," he said, long ago,"and
I will never be less than your friend." And I still believe that,
I still feel the bond. But the time to forge something breathtaking
and profound out of it has come and gone, the opportunity lost. And
it seems there will not be another.
The one I have been fretting so much over, my butterfly,
my perpetually confused harlequin, is speaking to me again. It does
not mean that all is well, but it means hope is not lost. No matter
how hard I try, I am of no help whatsoever. I bring him no peace.
Only anguish and confusion. Only the tools with which he may torture
himself. I want so badly for him to be happy, I want him to be like
he was when I met him.
I've only just realized that I feel an incredible
amount of guilt. It feels like I broke him. I ruined him.
I tried to help when things were rough, but all I did was make it all so
much worse. I should have offered my condolences and got on with
life. And now I can't let go and it's an unholy mess. How much
better off would he be if he'd never encountered me?
I dunno, but I do know one thing. If it weren't
for me and two other women, who figured prominently in this, I certainly
know three other women who would have just as easily fallen into
this trap with him. Three others he has no clue about whatsoever,
but had we three not monopolized his time...
They miss him, too, but at least they don't have
any guilt to tag onto that.
|
