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Folks who don't know me are prolly looking at that title, thinking
I'm about to go Christian on ya. Folks who know me well are prolly
thinking that I am having sex with the guy next door. Well, you're
BOTH wrong. What I was thinking about this morning in the shower
was how sex and love are as much for ourselves as for others. I don't
mean being selfish and insensitive, wanting people to feed your need for
sex and love, I mean loving yourself.
Heh I came to this line of thought after it hit me yet again that I am not having much luck pleasing myself these days. See, I learned a long time ago that "jerking off" is ok sometimes, but sometimes it's a lot better to treat yourself, show yourself that you're a pretty likeable person, light a few candles, maybe some incense, have tender and romantic fantasies, maybe work a hot bath in there somewhere. A friend said that was kinda odd, like dating yourself. And I said, hell yeah, I love me, I like going out with me, and I love staying in with me. :) Sounds egotistical as hell, but you gotta understand where I come from. I spent much of my life, mostly my formative years, thinking I was a worhtless little shit. It took me many years just to get the idea that I deserve to breathe. Major difference is that some folks love themselves more than anyone else. I try to love myself as much as I love other people. My self-love relationship though takes a different turn in that I foster a romantic/sexual relatioship as a part of it. I think I am worth paying attention to. I wouldn't tolerate a lover just doing a quick massage and saying that's it. So why tolerate it from me? So, back to the shower...my self-sex life has a couple rocks in it. I can't concentrate, and I can't break out of reality far enough to fantasize properly. I mean, if I get someone in my head to fantasize about, I can usually imagine them doing just about anything. Now, all of a sudden, my fantasy versions of real-life people won't step out of character, not even for just a few seconds. Someone I know who is tender, even a bit submissive, won't get aggressive on me, when for some reason I suddenly need that. Part of it, too, is that I am having more trouble fantasizing casual sex. It just isn't appealing anymore, not like being with somebody you know and care about. It used to be that if I had a problem concentrating, I could just summon up one of those generic porno-pic chicks and think of her doing whatever. Now, it's just not appetizing I don't get much time alone anymore; maybe that would help. It's always me on the net, or me and the kids, or me and the whole family, or a few hours of fatigue-induced coma. Looking back on the last couple paragraphs, it looks like there really isn't that much of a problem at all, just a change in what I need, I spose. Guess I need to take more time at it, not try to hurry it along in the shower. Yeah, I think that's it, not sticking completely faithfully to what I said up there near the top. I used to complement the quickies with the full-attention thing, but now the quickies are hard to come by, so maybe I should do more of the full-attention thing, which I haven't done since I got back. Heh, ok I think I got it. If a lover showed no romantic interest in me for a time, and then started to reinitiate with a quick massage, I might resent that. Okayee then. Scuse me, I gotta go, I have a hot date. :) Cya. |