Arms 
Bubba, my newfound friend.  May Mattel not shoot me.  Or sue me. 

8 Apr 98 12:11 pm 
I am sitting here, ostensibly on my lunch break, judging myself.  And not faring well.  I introduced myself to someone and began a dialogue on polyamory, shared my experiences in that arena, and now am telling him the state of things as they now stand.  It doesn't make me look too good.  In fact, I don't look too good anywhere these days.  As a bi, I don't look all that great on the NiceJG list right now, because there is a big fight over whether bi's are more dishonest or sexually confused than lesbians.  Straights slam us as being insincere for not being either straight or gay, and ironically, lesbians do the same thing.  I get so tired of being told I am full of it just because I don't fit into someone else's system of cubbyholes.  I apologize for generalizing, as I do realize that there are lots of heteros and gays who are very tolerant and supportive of bi's.  It just doesn't always feel that way. 
    What I am judging myself about right now though is my marriage.  Those few who have read me since the beginning, God bless you, know that there is no love there, there hasn't been for a long time, that I expended every resource I had early in the marriage to save it and was met with nothing but further abuse.  But does that excuse me to soak up the love and attention of others?  To give love and attention to others?  He knows that I have loved other people over long distances, though not in what depths; he has always known and approved of cybersex on my part.  I even asked him about this before I ever did it.  Would never have done it if he had a problem with it. 
    I was a good wife to a bad husband for a long long time.  For the majority of the marriage I didn't even really feel tempted.  I get tempted now.  Do I ever.  There is nothing like years of abuse to take the shine off a relationship, and once I woke up and saw beside me a man I just didn't, just couldn't, love anymore, being a good wife didn't seem to matter anymore.  I still held out, for a great long while. 
    So I'm a bad wife.  I don't want to be a wife at all.  I am so weary of all of it.  Not just marriage, but relationships, jealousy, all of it. 
    Somebody in a mailing list asserted that what my coming out was all about was actually my going on the hunt.  I'm not hunting.  Last thing I need is more grief on the romance front.  Last thing I need is romance, period. 
    It sounds, doesn't it, like I am trying to convince myself as much as I am trying to convince you?  Yes, I want a woman to hold me, yes I want a man to hold me, goddammit I want to be held! 
    I want to be held and told that it's ok. 
    I want to be held and told that I'm ok. 

9 Apr 98 3:15 pm 
All the dicking about with my furniture so far has  not yielded any results with respect to my left arm.  The nerve is still pinched, some days excruciatingly.  I raised the chair, lowered the chair, moved the monitor around, propped my feet up and put the keyboard in my lap, swapped out the Microsoft ergonomic keyboard with the plain Packard Bell one and back again, sat sideways, sat frontways, put my feet up in the chair, did neck exercises, did arm stretches, rubbed every area where the radial nerve comes near the surface, and still no relief.  The numbness in some of my fingers is constant, well, except when the pain comes, then it's excruciating.  Night before last the whole hand and arm gave up, I could barely move my fingers, began to type one-handed, it was maddening.  I signed off. 
    Sorry, Allen, bodily ailments aren't your favorite thing to hear about.  But this one will affect my relationships.  Some people who care about me think I am gonna have a heart attack, while others fear permanent nerve damage, while still others are talking lupus.  They are worried.  Plus, there are some special times when you really wanna have a sense of touch, you know? 
    It's raining yet again.  I like it, even if it does bring me down a little. 
    There hasn't been much contact with Zach lately, just a couple emails about HTML mostly.  It's been about a month and a half, I think, since I last called him on the phone.  Last couple times I did, he seemed impatient and distracted.  Or uncomfortable somehow, maybe I read it wrong. 
    Things are uncomfortable between us now because each of us is following the other's lead, and nobody is leading.  That isn't strictly true, in a way, I am still leading, am showing him that I need distance.  As desperately as I want closeness with him, I still fear getting hurt so badly, I'd rather keep him at arm's length. 
    It just dawned on me that I am keeping everyone at arm's length.  Ok, not the kids.  Not the dog.