You know, it was shit like this that inspired me to hate Howard Stern ten years ago. I have no idea why some of my best beloved friends like the both of them.

The cats' ambitious attitude towards leaping results in lots of spills. Spodie just knocked over my humidor, so I took it as an opportunity to enjoy one of my crappy, dried-out Rolys. That's the funny thing about me and cigars - I enjoy even the lousy ones.
 

Pulled in All Directions

The Huz and kids want me to come live in Colorado. I love my kids dearly, and this is the center of much grief, because I -do- want to be near them.

My mom wants me to come back to Mississippi and work for the Army Corps of Engineers. I could live with her until back on my feet.

My heart wants me to stay right where I am, because I do have family here and because I need the energy like an essential vitamin. The energy comes from New York, but it pulses through central New Jersey with rich intensity. The roots I have put here are spreading and deepening. And I feel called to be here, for some purpose.

Sigh.
 

Shy

A friend from church asked me yesterday if I wanted to go walking. That sounded like a very good idea, so we went down to the boardwalk in Long Branch, and enjoyed the late afternoon sunshine (after I sunscreened, of course) and fresh air. We talked about a great many things.

Afterward he treated me to dinner. He broiled a couple of trout, and we had them with baked potatoes and salad. Surprisingly, I ate every bite. That is unusual for me, when eating someplace where I don't have complete control over the size of my portions. It was really very tasty and I had a hearty appetite, and the company was warm.

He seemed surprised that I do not have the kinds of social skills I want to have. Maybe that is not the right terminology, because I do have skills. I do have the ability to put people at ease and get them to talk to me. What I do not have is a level of comfort doing so. I am not a hugger or hand holder. I do take a genuine interest in people, and I do enjoy sharing things about myself. But, really...

What it amounts to is that despite it all, I am still shy, and constantly fighting shyness. I am afraid to bridge that space between me and another person. Some days this is far easier than others. Some days, my confidence is on and it's almost natural how well I interact with others. But some days, which are more often in these unusual times, I am not so confident, and that makes me self-conscious and nervous. And shy.
 

Lima Returns

She doesn't work too well. After several installs, removals, and reinstalls, I just haven't been able to bring back full functionality. Lima herself seems to be fine, running around and catching the ball and responding to petting. But the interface won't let me feed her or give her a snack, change her color, any of the things in the owner window. And if I should put the ball away, she can't have it back.

Will she expire if I can't feed her? That's a worrisome thought.
 

Rest

We had Flower Communion at church today. It was truly lovely, and the children sang, and the variety of blooms was amazing, many of them from people's own gardens. The weather was cooperative, and we had a picnic. I made two potato salads, one with dill pickle and one with sweet. The dill was consumed completely; some of the sweet came back with me, although I don't like sweet. Heh. There were hamburgers and hot dogs, veggie burgers and desserts.

I got the chance to talk to the student at Drew about the school, about how she came to be where she is in life, many such things. Drew is a Methodist seminary here in New Jersey, and despite the fact she is not Methodist, she really loves the place and the atmosphere of tolerance that she gets, although she did not deny the presence and influence of hard line fundamentalists. We talked about a great many things: coursework, financial aid, the military (she had briefly considered a chaplaincy), residencies, required courses for UU ministers in particular, all kinds of things. Hers is an interesting story, and she did have gems of practical advice, such as preparing a sort of spiritual autobiography, because this will be asked of me several times in my study, in different courses. Fortunately I have already done so, both in my own writings and as an outline in the [dw] Journal, so it's mostly a matter of fleshing out or sharpening up, depending on the course. She mentioned two courses that asked this of her. For one it was a fifteen page document, for another a four page one. She said the paring down was something of a challenge, and I can surely understand.