“Tables and Shelves” about leaving room on horizontal surfaces so that cats can jump from one to another without knocking all your stuff onto the floor. Find a way to rhyme “shelves” with “behave themselves”.
“All the Free Sofas in the Classified Ads” .
- So many sofas. So many.
- Also something about all the roosters and rabbits, and whether they’ll be eaten by next week.
- And why are all the cats named Fluffy?!?!
Jump down Run all around 'Cuz we heard that sound
About what all the dogs and cats do when I open a pull-tab can. Include the actual sound so that listeners’ animals can go crazy too.
“All the Lost Dogs in My Facebook Feed.”
Song about the things to believe in, starting with pilot holes and star drive screws.
- If going corny-sweet, use “the words of One who was a carpenter too”.
- If going creepy, end with foil hats and the Illuminati.
- If going occult, use the story in the neighbor’s rooster’s entrails.
I want your sane-sane. I want your sensible demeanor. I want your practical attitude. Cray-cray is for idiots.
Song about a kitten called “Everything’s a Toy”.
“Too Much Stuff” Rhyme Rubbermaid with KitchenAid.
Piggle to the wiggle
Little to the biggle
Song idea about Piggly Wiggly. Jingle material? I have since fallen out with PW.
“(There’s No Escaping) Candida, the Ubiquitous Yeast”
Nights are cold
Days are dusty
Have and hold
Long and lusty?
Rhyme “stucco and vinyl siding” with “poseurs and muggles hiding”.
How different my current self is from my childhood self. Rhyme “compliant” with “defiant”.
“Will You Be My … Emergency Contact?”
Explicit track about trying to use WordPress called “What The F Is With All These GD DIVs?!?!” Include further outrage about <SPAN>.
Immensely catchy song about Thanksgiving.
“Dumps and Traces (A Software Story)”
“Snapshots Are Not Backups”
A song about all the diseases you can get from mosquitoes.
A pop song called “Snap a Chalk Line”. Also one called “This Is Why You Knot Your Cord”.
A song that rhymes sensor with soap dispenser, and is about how the soap lands on the counter while you’re moving your hand around trying to trigger it. (This needs to be done in the style of Eminem. Dunno how I do that in a pop song.)
“Cat, You Need To Bury That (Because That’s What Cats Do, Dammit)”
Country song about someone stealing the ladder off my truck. Note: my ladder has not been stolen. It’s just a possibility whose emotional implications I am now realizing.
- Is it a two-step?
- The song should be. Not the ladder. That would kind of suck.
Honky-tonk song about how a 4th husband and a 6th wife should have somehow made a 10. Needs a funny line about a dawg.
Mama’s cookie tin of buttons. Daddy’s coffee can of screws. Granny’s blood donations. Granddaddy’s evening news. Sister’s cooling the roof with a water hose!
Country song idea about how disappointing it is to only find bolts when you’re looking for a screw.
Country song idea: “It Was a Long Time Coming (And Now It’s Gone)”
Once you were moving in, but now you're moving on.
Country song idea about being a middle-aged person on TikTok. Find clever ways to rhyme fit check and thirst trap.
Country western song that rhymes dog crate with baby gate.
Find a clever rhyme for Dollar Tree cutlery.
Song about white supremacy called “Mayonnaise and Raisins”.
Country song idea about how I want a hundred pit bulls because they’re just so gosh darn sweet and how I’m gonna get em all from KC Pet Project in Swope Park.
Country song idea “I Feel Guilty, But Not Enough To Stop”
At the end, the reveal is it's not about cheating. It's about eating meat.
“Give it to a Dog” Examples:
- anything you want to get the grease off of
“Grits. That is All.”
Country song idea and title track for album: “I’m a Nobody on TikTok”.
It don't matter, cuz nobody cares. I hardly ever get Likes, Follows, and Shares. Never been flagged. Never been banned. (Now rhyme that.)
Gimme a lager, I don't want no ale. Why they only got IPAs for sale? They got enough Oberon to fill a small whale! Gimme a lager, I don't want no ale!
Take Your Crackers With You When You Go. By a band called “Don’t Blame the Goldenrods”.