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16 feb 00 i'm alright. really. i am. well, my arm itches where i cut it. and i can't get placebo's "without you i'm nothing" out of my head. but otherwise i'm ok. i'm depressed, but it's a clean, sane depression. which, by comparison, is good. it's the mirror image of last night's poem. i was on the ground. you yanked me down into the depths of hell. i roasted my soul and seared my heart. i screamed in anguish. now i am back on the ground. it's not being on the ground that is good. essentially i am right back where i started. but the climb up makes all the difference. i could keep all this shit private. i suspect that i let it flow on out of me not just for personal catharsis but also to punish the perpetrator. it's probably true. although all he did was make a mistake. people make mistakes. sometimes i am walking and i just fall down. the strength goes out of my legs and i just suddenly kneel there. oh god i hurt. it's gonna be another long night, but i'll spend it sober. i'll try to sleep it off. he does not withhold his love from me. sometimes i slap myself in the face and ask myself just what the fuck did i lose? i can still talk to him. i can still see him. i can still express warmth. just what did i lose? ok i lost the right (responsibility? opportunity? hope?) to make love to him. i lost his marriage proposal. i lost the possibility of enfolding him in my arms and snuggling down into his every night. i lost the comfortable sound of snoring. uhm, i almost typed that i lost his commitment, but that remains to be seen. committed to what is the question. maybe i still have his commitment to love me and support me. who can say. he still has my commitment to love and support him. i told him so today. doesn't mean i'm not gonna take a cheap shot while i'm still in pain. i'm unclean, a libertine and every time you vent your spleen i seem to lose the power of speech you're slipping slowly from my reach you grow me like an evergreen you've never seen the lowly me at all i fall take the plan, spin it sideways without you, i'm nothing without you, i'm nothing at all |