In High Gear

Breakup.

Comments Off

I had a lot of slack time yesterday to make some tiny cheeses. That’s what I call this thing people call “processing”. Where I come from, it’s called “figuring it out” or “working it out” or “working it through” or similar. I’ve heard the word “processing” crop up more and more, and every time I hear it, I think of a little personal-sized mini-factory churning out tiny cheeses.

I was too tired and sleepy and overheated to do all the things I wanted to do, so I wound up snatching little catnaps with periods of introspection interspersed. I was troubled by my love/hate feelings regarding my erstwhile boyfriend’s partner, who was on location and trying to be friendly, as well as love/hate feelings toward himself and also toward my husband. I was feeling very much the passionate love/hate for all three, and rather alarmed and ashamed about it.

I want to be bigger than this. I want to be better than this.

Every time I remember something that he told me that comforted me, I remember some other thing he told me that he later contradicted, which he then reversed again some other time. I never know what’s been a lie and what hasn’t, nor what’s been a lie of commission vs. an error of confusion; by God, the man is a seething knot of confusion. If he’s lying, he doesn’t remember his lies in order to keep them straight. If he’s not … that’s just difficult. It still leaves me not knowing what to believe.

I’m furious with him for putting her first all the time while paying lip service to me about our being equally important. He was all for -telling- me how important I was to him, and how much he thinks about me, and expecting me to be impressed with these, while actually -showing- how much more important she was by his actions.

I’m furious with her for being so remote and unresponsive, while on the surface trying to appear sweet and friendly. I’m angry that while I would have done anything to preserve all our relationships, she didn’t seem interested in improving matters at all. What tempers this fury is knowing there’s more on her plate than just the guy, and she’s really been focused on family things lately.

I’m furious with my husband for his thick filters of self-hatred that totally transform what I say to him. Friday night he threw in my face something he thought I said earlier in the week, which bore no resemblance whatsoever to anything I ever actually say. When I finally got him to spill just when and what he was talking about, it was plain what had happened. He’d gotten individual words, but missed the meaning of the sentence completely because he was already tearing himself up with beratement. He’d used my words as fuel for his self immolation. He’d completely rearranged them into an entirely different context.

I’m furious that working out this godawful mess made us very late for TMT, and I’m furious that for the entire trip, he was behaving in an overwhelmingly provocatively stupid manner. I mean really, really, stupid. He is not a stupid man by any means, and everyone drinks deeply from the Cup of Dumbass sometime, but god damn, he was constant and consistent.

I’m sure it’s his unconscious trying to provoke a fight. Something in him hates him so much it wants punishment, and that sommething so badly wanted me to beat him down that it was doing everything in its power to trip him up. I didn’t give in to it, tempting as it was, but it certainly stressed me out a lot.

It was serendipitous that I saw the Polyamory Dictionary entry I mentioned yesterday, because it touched directly on what was bothering me so much. I try very hard for an overriding principle of my poly life to be that I avoid putting any partner into the backseat over another as much as at all possible.

This actually is a corollary of my step-parenting philosophy: avoid putting the needs/wants of the child in direct opposition to the needs/wants of the step-parent, forcing the parent to have to choose one over the other. Seek some parallel course instead.

But the erstwhile boyfriend did that. He constantly crammed me into corners and slices, totally arranging things around her. He placed me in direct opposition and then consistently chose her, all the while claiming not to do so.

Which brings me back to shame, because I think I may have done that to my husbands too. Ok, I know I have done that to my husbands too. Because time with the erstwhile boyfriend was at such a premium, I let any chance to obtain some completely rule the schedule. That’s no better than what he was doing to me.

I don’t know what to do about it going forward. I don’t know even how to go forward. We theoretically will still be hanging out once a week – this week it’s Tuesday instead of Monday because his mother’s in town and he needs Monday with her. We haven’t discussed any terms for this break, so I don’t know what sorts of things fall within it and what don’t. I don’t know how we’ll decide if and when the break is over.

I don’t have a good feeling about this. I don’t feel any trust at all, no security whatsoever. I’m terrified he’s going to tell me it’s over and that’s that.

Comments Off

Yeowtch. From A Polyamory -> English Phrase Dictionary:

Poly phrase: “All of my partners are equally important to me, and they’re all primary.”
English translation: “I’d rather not explicitly spell out what the hierarchy is, but trust me – you’ll know when you run into it.”

I know -exactly- what that feels like. Only the word was “secondary” rather than “primary”.

Comments(2)

LJ: how are you?
springdew: more or less okay. [boyfriend] and i are “taking a break” or “on hiatus” or “suspended” or whatever you want to call it. non-relationship with option to renew
springdew: it became obvious that [boyfriend] was unconsciously sabotaging the relationship. he said he wants to get into therapy anyway, so i asked him to get on it, and meanwhile, we’ll wait
springdew: we did pretty much fine last night until we were getting ready for bed and he got strange
springdew: first i was telling him how saturday went, and I started “i was in a -really- bitchy mood” and he said “what? you? bitchy? nooooo waaaay.” you know, the ironic way you poke fun at somebody who is so obviously a certain way
springdew: like if you said “that’d be as odd as spring with purple hair” and someone went “spring? purple hair? noooo waaaa.”
springdew: of course i’m known to have purple hair
springdew: so what he was saying insinuated that it’s not odd for me to be bitchy
springdew: so when he said that, i said that i seldom feel bitchy. he said he knows that, it was just a joke
springdew: then i was trying to tell him how things are going with [ex], and i said he’d been phoning more and hanging out with us more, and he took over the conversation and started telling me that he knows all about what [ex] wants. he did that twice in a row, so i said, “well just hang on mr. knows everything, and let me finish what i’m saying”
springdew: he got into a huff and went into the other room
springdew: oh wait, that’s not when he went into the huff
springdew: so i finished what i was saying and then i asked, “does that match what you figured?”
springdew: and that’s when he went off in a huff
springdew: when he came back he said i was being snarky and trying to bait him into a fight
springdew: then i burst into tears because a fight is the last thing in the world i want. then i tried to dry up the tears quickly and make conversation because being upset is emotional blackmail
springdew: and he suggested that maybe we just aren’t compatible
springdew: long talk ensued, the crux of which was that we’d try to carry on with no expectations.
springdew: i slept, woke up, took a shower, and realized
springdew: if i were going to try and stop a relationship in its tracks without it being my fault, i’d do exactly what he did
springdew: and all the crazy shit from the last few months that’s kept me totally confused suddenly made sense
springdew: so i woke him up and told him that, and proposed what i mentioned to you just now about therapy and a break.
springdew: i still want to do something on mondays, but not spend the night
springdew: maybe a movie or some world of warcraft or something
springdew: but that’s it. no more scheduling hoops. no more trying to balance relationships
LJ: *nodding*
world of warcraft *blinks* i thought you didn’t like online rpg?
*g*
springdew: i don’t
LJ: ahhhh
it’s an interest your willing to endure to spend time together?
springdew: sometimes i do things i don’t like for people i care about
springdew: yeah
springdew: a little time. not much. just kind of keeping the door open

Comments Off

So, on subsequent revision, I’ve figured out my expectations. What I’ve come to expect of you:
– That you’ll always love me.
– That I’ll always be a part of your life somehow.
– That you’ll want to spend some time with me.

While we’re at it, here’s some things you can expect of me:
– I’ll always love you.
– I’ll want to spend time with you.
– I’ll generally be receptive to the suggestion of sex. Outbreaks and menstruation merely dampen that some.
– I’ll follow your lead much of the time.
– I’ll occasionally provide things for you because it pleases me to do so.

On to the stuff I mentioned to you before:

I want to see you on a regular basis. I’d like to spend some regular exclusive time with you, and I’d like to spend occasional time with you along with others.
– I’d like to spend occasional time with you and Cordelia.
– I’d like to spend occasional time with you and Jessica.
– I’d like to spend occasional time with you in a group.

I want to give you loving affection and receive it, too.
I want sex with you.
I want kink with you.
I want to dance and sing and create art with you.

I want you to try to suspend interpretation of what I say, to try to take my words at face value. I want you to have patience with me because I sometimes find the wrong words. If something I say strikes you odd or wrong or offensive, I want you to ask me to rephrase it for clarity or detail.

Much of what I want has to do with what I feel. I’m not sure how that breaks down into components that I want from you and that I want from myself, and I feel that much of it will simply come with time and patience. I want to feel valued. I want to feel wanted. I want to feel useful. Even though I don’t have equal status with others in your life, I want to feel of equal worth. I want to feel confident that if there’s something I want or need from you, and you cannot or will not provide it, that it’s not because there’s a finite amount of whatever it is and it’s all going elsewhere. I want reassurance that you’re not ashamed of me.

I want to regain the trust that allowed me to be your confidant.

I want your forgiveness.

Above all, I want to be good for you. I want to be a thing that adds joy and peace to your life, not a thing that subtracts them.

——————-

I’ve given more thought to the matter of feeling valued and being of equal worth. It seems to be a matter of priority. Whenever I bring up the subject of priority, you firmly state that you have to be first priority, because if you’re no good, you can’t be good for anyone else, and then you give your loved ones priority. You’ve pointedly avoided the idea that there is any order of priority among your loved ones, which is wise, to be sure. Priority is not like cards in a card game; it’s not a matter of one card always trumping another based on its permanent value.

I don’t want to be default consistent top priority with you. Not only is that unrealistic, it’s selfish and presumptuous. However, I suspect I am not alone in that I want to occasionally be top priority with you. Everyone wants to feel that way sometimes. It makes a person feel valued.

I would like for there to be times when you’ll actively make plans to do something with me, and that’s the firm part of the plan; other stuff can be planned around it. Yes, we have our sacrosanct Mondays, but that’s not what I’m talking about. You and Jessica have sacrosanct Sundays, and I’m not talking about that either.

The rest of the time, I feel like filler material or a contingency. I feel like somebody you work in when you can, after you’ve already gelled the more important plans.

Yes I do remember when I had the gastric work done, and you completely stood by that plan. I truly appreciate it. That time, what I’m talking about was not the case.

I understand needing to balance a lot of relationships and commitments. I empathize with you on that. It can’t be easy.

What I ask is that on occasion, you plan something with me first and let that be what we do. Let our activity be the main course sometimes rather than the appetizer or midnight snack.

Comments Off