In High Gear

I don’t want to be high maintenance. It’s not my way and I don’t like it. It’s contrary to my mission. It’s contrary to my religion. It’s contrary to my ethics, as well. I do not like it.

Part of not being high maintenance is working out my own shit. I have to figure out for myself what’s what and how I’m going to deal with it. That’s -my- responsibility. What I really don’t like about high maintenance people is that they foist this stuff off on other people, which really isn’t fair or considerate.

So here I am, working out my own shit, which is uncomfortable sometimes. If you pull from me what I’m working on, you’re going to get a lot of partially-processed crap, stuff I don’t understand, and it’s stuff that hurts for not understanding it, so there’s an emotional load there too. You know what I mean.

If you hound me until I’ve told you what’s getting processed, now you’re in a position where you feel like you have to do something about it. Next thing, you’ll be walking on eggshells, second-guessing your every movement, and trying to keep a complex list of ridiculous rules in your head.

I know, darlin’. I’ve been there. And guess what? Voila! Now I’m high maintenance. Something I never wanted to be.

Now, sooner or later I am gonna want to talk with you about whatever got distilled from all that processing. This is what I’m saying when I tell you I’m not ready to talk about it, or I want to talk about it later. You have to trust me to arrange my own baggage. You have to trust me when I say it’s okay, because it is. Because dragging out my internals is going to make everything not okay.

I eventually did learn how to handle my confusion and dismay with Jeffrey, but I had to figure out how to do that. I had to understand who and what he was and how that related to who and what I was. I had to learn what was okay to take on faith, what was absolutely true, and what to disregard. And I was far, far happier once I figured that out.

Everything you said yesterday about context is exactly right, and that’s part of what I’m working out. In fact, just about everything you’ve said about what I should understand is exactly right, and that’s what I’m trying to do. Just let me do it.

I don’t want you to change. I don’t want you to try and be something you’re not or try to do something that’s contrary to your nature. I don’t want to demand anything of you. Well, okay maybe cock sometimes … but you know what I mean. You’re special to me for who and what you are, and if you go messing with that, you’re going to dim that light, and that would fucking suck.

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