Dear Alex,
God, kid, you’re turning 18 this year. My little boy with the squished red ear is growing up. What’s next, my little bean? College? Military? A stint of employment while you figure it out? Your own business? Perpetual philosophy? Are you lost? Do you have it all figured out?
Where are you now? Do you resemble me? Do you resemble Alton? None of the above? My family’s genes run pretty strong – I bet you look like me.
Alex, I told you in the letter I left that I loved you with all my heart. It was true then and it’s true now. I don’t for a moment belittle, bemoan, or hope to forget how our paths parted. That was a gift for you. Two fine, capable parents and a chance at a life full of love and opportunity.
Did you get that? Or did a monkeywrench hit the works? I sure wanted that for you.
I didn’t reject you or abandon you. I didn’t “give you up”. I fought hard for your future; there were some mighty forces allayed against us. I lost everything, dear heart, but it was well worth it to see you safe. I would have given my life as well.
If you get this message, it means I’m dead without seeing you. I really hope to see you after you turn 21, but life is fully of ugly happenings. God forbid, I could get hit by a bus. If I do die before you find me, if there is a way, I will find you. I will touch your cheek and enfold you in my love.
May you never doubt, my baby. May you never think I didn’t love you forever. Because I do and I will, into death and beyond.
Love,
Mama
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