In High Gear

You are gay.

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I’m sorry I died on you. I didn’t want you to have to go through that again. Believe me, if I had any choice, we’d have all lived a ripe old age and then died all together.

Sometimes I worry that you’re the forgotten good child. You make so few squeaky noises; what if you don’t get enough grease? I try to show you enough love, but how much is enough? I could never show you all that I feel. And I feel so dominated by the catastrophes.

I truly do love you so. I honestly deep in my soul love you, you strange, strange bird. You beautiful creature.

There aren’t any big confessions to make to you, other than I’m sorry I didn’t treat you as well as you deserved. I got you into a lot of stuff you wouldn’t have bought into on your own. You took on a lot of hassle and strife, for the love of me. You stuck by me through some horrible times. I am forever grateful.

I am also truly grateful for the wonderful timesyou have given me, and all that we have shared. You have been my rock and my foundation. You’ve been what I needed.

I love you, my baby. Be safe and be well.

Love,
Spring

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God, kid, you’re turning 18 this year. My little boy with the squished red ear is growing up. What’s next, my little bean? College? Military? A stint of employment while you figure it out? Your own business? Perpetual philosophy? Are you lost? Do you have it all figured out?

Where are you now? Do you resemble me? Do you resemble Alton? None of the above? My family’s genes run pretty strong - I bet you look like me.

Alex, I told you in the letter I left that I loved you with all my heart. It was true then and it’s true now. I don’t for a moment belittle, bemoan, or hope to forget how our paths parted. That was a gift for you. Two fine, capable parents and a chance at a life full of love and opportunity.

Did you get that? Or did a monkeywrench hit the works? I sure wanted that for you.

I didn’t reject you or abandon you. I didn’t “give you up”. I fought hard for your future; there were some mighty forces allayed against us. I lost everything, dear heart, but it was well worth it to see you safe. I would have given my life as well.

If you get this message, it means I’m dead without seeing you. I really hope to see you after you turn 21, but life is fully of ugly happenings. God forbid, I could get hit by a bus. If I do die before you find me, if there is a way, I will find you. I will touch your cheek and enfold you in my love.

May you never doubt, my baby. May you never think I didn’t love you forever. Because I do and I will, into death and beyond.

Love,
Mama

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Sometimes if I don’t post about someting or I don’t talk about something, that doesn’t mean it’s not important or I don’t care. Sometimes I simply can’t, regardless how important or how much I do care.

People will judge each other; that’s human nature. But they’ll always judge on imcomplete information, becasue information is always incomplete. I have to remember this myself.

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