In High Gear

I’ve been jealous. That’s kind of unusual for me, and it’s all my own doing, so I don’t have much of a right to complain now, really. tempus_thales and loosingmyfaith have become really close friends to each other, and I wanted that kind of friendship with each of them myself, but I held back, and that’s my own fault. They say to get a friend, you have to be a friend, and that’s true. I’ve been a friend, yes, but only so far.

I was always afraid of tempus_thales‘ girlfriend. I’ve had incredibly bad experiences with other people’s wives and girlfriends, and didn’t want to even begin to open an avenue for that kind of trouble. Once that became a moot issue, it was probably too late.

I was always afraid of loosingmyfaith’s passion. I don’t mean sexual energy - I mean passion for life, passion IN life. She’s very, very intense, and feels everything very intensely. When it’s the downside of life that she’s feeling so intensely, it seems there is nothing I can do or say to help with pain and suffering. When it’s the upside, it’s all I can do not to caution her that every upside has a downside, and to take it easy and just enjoy.

I keenly feel her euphoria, and her pain as well, and I’ve been afraid that I couldn’t take that in greater quantities, if I were to be useless, unable to help. I can’t stand being unhelpful.

There are people I really want to be close friends with, like saragoblin for instance, but my schedule has been making it difficult to do anything with people not on the same schedule, and even with people who almost are, like tryss and grrwoo.

I don’t mind not having too many friends, but I do mind not having any truly close friends. This is the hardest type of relationship for me to have, and I’ve seldom pulled it off. And I really miss my best friend, despite having moved in with him and married him. My shift has taken me away from spc476, whom I seldom see anymore, and that is definitely my doing. It’s good that I get a lot of time with wlofie, my passionate lover-husband, but there has to be a better balance somewhere.

Some people marry their best friends, and some people marry their hottest lovers. I’m so blessed that I get to do both.

So what to do about the jealousy? Well, I’ve done it. I named it, I acknowledged it, and now it’s done. It’s that which sneaks in the shadows that haunts people - if brought into the light it cannot survive long. I know now why I felt it and what I should do about it, and there are no worries. I’ll remember not to hold back and not to be afraid, and to be the sort of friend I want to have. My schedule is changing, it may even be changing dramatically, and there’ll be new opportunities.

Don’t hold back. Don’t be afraid.

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Must be. I don’t usually indulge in self-pity or burst into tears just because I can’t have some immediate gratification.

This sucks. Cue the euphoria.

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What, is EVERYbody horny? It’s so unfair - I’m not supposed to get squirmy until AFTER my period is over. This is just whack.

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A bunch of friends and co-workers are out right now hefting a pint to our departed Jim, and I want to be there so badly, but I don’t see how I can get there. I’m on a bicycle tonight, and at work. If I’d had my head less up my ass, I could have planned some way to be there. Instead I fretted over other things.

I’m thinking about Jim tonight, and also thinking about the last time we did this, when we lost Chuck. Why do we lose the good ones, the ones everybody loves?

Well, isn’t that a question for the ages?

I’m sorry.

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This is kind of a weird filter. It’s people who are not family members, and people who are least likely to slip up and mention something to my family members. I don’t want to start a panic in my home.

They already know, to a degree, about my fear of cancer and my fear of death. They also know that I tangled with cancer once before, and know that I fear it coming back. They might even know about my fear that it’s come back already, and could be responsible for my body’s various misbehaviors.

What I haven’t directly addressed is that my breasts have been swollen and painful off and on for like 3 weeks now. I know that I’m not pregnant, but I checked again to be sure, and I’m sure. And the right one is making a fluid that looks a lot like colostrum.

If it were just one breast, I’d be worried about breast cancer. But they’re both acting up, which makes me think hormones. Maybe it could be some kind of cyst issue or something with an ovary. I dunno.

I’m not freaking out now as much as I was last Wednesday, when I discovered the fluid thing. I have a friend whose breast cancer almost killed her, and it first manifest not as a lump, but as fluid. In fact, the mass, though it was lemon-sized, wasn’t hard enough to feel and didn’t even show up in a mammogram - they only spotted it via ultrasound. They wouldn’t even have known it was there if it hadn’t been for the fluid.

I’ve had more time to think about it, and mull over the similarity of how I feel now to how I feel post-partum. Things might not be so bad, maybe.

I’ve scheduled a gyn appointment for Wednesday, and this is supposed to be a fantastic doctor. Had better be, the kind of traveling I’m having to do to see her. My last gyn was a complete dickwad, and I’m finding more and more that this is the norm rather than the rule, so I’m willing to go far afield to get treated right.

Of course, the fear is that the cancer is back, has already had its wild way with my uterus, and is now attacking my ovaries and intestine as well. That’s a fight I really don’t want to fight.

God, I really needed to write that. Not expressing the fear was really starting to get to me. I burst into tears just before I wrote it, because I was talking with a friend and really needed to confide in somebody, and just felt that I couldn’t.

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