In High Gear

One of the things I hated most about living with William was his fragile ego, and his childish protection of it. Because of his mindset, there was never any such thing as a misunderstanding. There was never a way for a thing to go wrong, for an error or accident to occur. Always, always, someone had to be Wrong. They had to be either Evil or Stupid.

Therefore, any time there was bad news, he panicked and scrambled to prove that whoever else involved was The Wrong One. Otherwise, it might turn out to be himself, and he couldn’t bear it.

I can’t live like that.

I’m fallible. I’m often wrong. I make stupid errors. But I also know that mistakes happen. Things get messed up. Sometimes it’s nobody’s fault. Sometimes it’s everybody’s fault.

Sometimes it’s somebody else’s fault. I’m forgiving most of the time, because I know how it feels to make a stupid error. It’s self-punishing.

But it does hurt when a person won’t even meet me in the middle, won’t share the responsibility, won’t even acknowledge that it might just be a blameless misunderstanding. Or acknowledge my pain.

It hurts more to think that I’m not even worth trying for. I am of so little importance, that there is no point in communicating that there’s a problem or misunderstanding.

I once read, of a doomed couple, “Her love for you will never outweigh her hatred for herself.” I don’t want that to be the case here.

I had to take a little nap before I was good to drive home. Too tired.

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My Mother’s Day was mostly nice. Breakfast of pork chops, Hungry Jack biscuits, and chocolate milk. Let the kids bake chocolate chip cookies. Watched Beyond Rangoon, The Substitute Wife, and Steel Magnolias. Got very little sleep but lots of cuddles. Got charming handmade kid-type gifties. Drew a self portrait. Forgot to phone my mom. Or anybody else for that matter.

Ended on a sad note, though. I’ve been crying most of the shift. Frightening the coworkers.

It’s hard being willing to do anything and realizing that the people I’d do anything for don’t have the same level of commitment. Some things are just too hard for other people. Sometimes they seem to be things that look laughably simple to me, but I’m plainly not getting the whole picture.

My overall feeling of Doing Everything is deepening. It’s not completely accurate - people do things for me, for the family. Some. A little.

Why is it I can’t inspire the kind of devotion that I feel? And why isn’t it enough just to give? My husbands don’t beat me. They love me and nurture me. They let me charge along, making plans and doing what I determine needs doing. They’re not bad. They’re very good.

Isn’t that enough?

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If you’re interested in playing D&D, or any other role playing, for that matter, some folks I know have a Yahoo! group going. Why not an LJ community, I dunno. Maybe so as not to mix together work and personal lives, as a lot of my coworkers are here. Anyway …

games.groups.yahoo.com/group/pbdnd/

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loosingmyfaith and I were gonna do a Slumber Parties shindig at her place, and we may yet still, but the timing is coming unglued. Therefore, we have superceded it with a No Pants Day party instead.

Chrissy said to be sure to invite some interesting friends. Guess what. That means you.

highlands-swg.com/npdp/

You must come to this party! Mucho funliness!

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