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8 October 1998 |
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Today, I read in Gus' journal: "Sophie was overjoyed to see me. There's no human in the world who has ever received me with such enthusiasm. If only for moments like that, we humans have dogs and, of course, suffer the consequences."Is it like this for everybody? Or most everybody? I have, on rare occasion, been greeted this enthusiastically. I have, more often, greeted lovers this enthusiastically. Sometimes when you come home and you feel the world has used you, wadded you up, and tossed you on the sidewalk, it's like a religious experience when the love of your life turns incandescent at the sight of you and flings arms around you and kisses you all over your face and tells you how badly you were missed, how vital you are to happiness. Everyone should be greeted like this from time to time. It's the best. I hope Gus' time comes soon. This might be why he is the way he is, ya know. Am I a good lover? I don't mean sexually, I mean romantically. Do I make a good mate? I want to, need to, be fulfilling and uplifting and supportive and giving. I want to worship a lover like the sweetness of existence. Most of the time it feels like I have all the right attitudes and behaviors, and I certainly have all the right emotions. Lots of horror stories come to me and make me grateful not to be like that. The spouse who nags, the lover who jealously stalks, the mate who seems indifferent to everything, the one who seeks to control the other's every thought and action; so many stories, and they all make me feel a bit better. I feel like I have to continually justify my polyamory. I've been accused of loving people who don't deserve it, and my response is often that the way a relationship looks from the outside can differ greatly from what it looks like on the inside. Just how do you know so-and-so doesn't deserve my love? Then it becomes an issue of how I can possibly keep up with and take adequate care of all the people I love. Well, I dunno. It certainly helps a bit that most relationships are long distance ones, in which the time spent together is either online or by phone, neither of which takes up as much time as in-the-flesh presence. I've been asked how can I give quality bits of myself to so many people. I counter, look at all these many people involved in only one relationship. Having only one lover hasn't necessarily made them more attentive and caring. I don't think it's a quantity issue. Love is not a measurable commodity. In fact the more you give, the more you get, and the more you generate just from the friction of getting and giving. Yahoo! Clubs seem to be the hot thing going lately. I'm getting so many invitations to join these, but so far, I'm keeping my memberships down to just four. The first I heard about was The Chronicle, the one Zach Garland started for online journallers. It's a pretty good club, just wacky enough without being hostile. I find real useful advice there. Then I joined Ihateglassdog, although I'd never even seen Glassdog before I joined. The funny mix of members is what drew me in. They are an offbeat lot, and I really enjoy all the scheduled chat sessions. Then one for the AW community, called Active World, got started. So far it's moving a bit slow, but that will improve as word gets out. A couple days ago I started one, the fourth in my memberships. This one is a Jones Soda club (gee did you guess?) and it hasn't been around long enough for me to tell yet how it will do. If the discussion on the newsgroup alt.alt.alt.alt.alt is any clue, it could get pretty interesting in there. --Spring
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