29 September 1998
 
  Day of Atonement  
 
    This is my first High Holy Days outside the military environment.  It's a lot different out here.  Before, I didn't get any days off, just released to go to services.  It was always odd, our little Army shul of less than ten every week, blossoming into over a hundred.  For many secular Jews, their only time in a synagogue is this special week.
    In military congregations, there isn't any ticket business.  Sometimes a mailer would go out that you fill out so they know how many folks to expect.  Everyone is welcome, though, and at DLI the place would be packed with civilians, mostly the Russian instructors.  Here, I've already had the scare of not being able to find my ticket.  I don't want to be left out.
    A couple weeks ago, at a service, we were asked to fill out an anonymous survey about the existence of God and a few other points pertinent to the season.  It is said that God judges you in these days, and on Yom Kippur, he decides whether or not to inscribe you in the Book of Life for another year, or whether to let you die.  In the discussion that followed the survey, some of the older ones in the congregation pointed out that the Holocaust pretty much blew this belief away.  Many people, righteous and unrighteous alike, died.  I don't believe in a literal Book of Life myself, but I know that at least the idea is a useful tool for evaluating yourself, an opportunity for improvement, for the criteria are your behaviors towards your fellow beings.  Did you behave justly, ethically, with compassion, with honor?  I can see how, in less enlightened times, a superstition of this magnitude would have been very helpful in keeping some kind of social harmony.
    I feel inspired by Cory Glen to share some other thoughts and beliefs.
   
Cause & Effect
You can't always know every effect your actions will produce.  You can only make the soundest judgments possible with the information you have, and hope that some unforeseen spin-off from your action doesn't bite you in the ass.
    
Morality
I'm still grappling with the distinction between ethics and morality.  Everyone's version of what's right differs so much.  One of my moral tenets is "It's very wrong to jerk someone around."  But jerking around in my definition is a lot stricter than some folks'.  I find nothing at all wrong with the acquisition of sexual knowledge, an attitude that brands me in some people's minds as "a woman of loose morals."  I'm not sure really just what morality is, except that a good yardstick is, if it pisses you off, try not to do it to anybody else.  Another good one is if it feels wrong, don't do it.  I just realized that my gauges are merely the negative forms of popular sayings.
    
Emotions vs. Ethics
It's human nature to be in contradiction to yourself, to think one way and feel another, and to behave somewhere in between.  I know that on a busy highway, the person pulled over with a mechanical problem may not ever get help, because everyone else assumes someone else will help.  I know that I should help, but it doesn't stop my being afraid.  Sometimes I help, more often I don't, and feel bad long afterward.
    
Equality
We have to all be equal, yet we don't all get equal treatment, and we don't all contribute equally to society.  Each individual has a particular set of talents and motivations and attributes, as well as a distinct set of circumstances surrounding that person's existence.  It's my hope that all this evens out somewhere, that my lack of skill in one area is made up by a great strength in another, and this makes me equal, really, to one with a whole different makeup.  Yet I see people who seem to contribute nothing, who do not shine in any way.  I hope there is just something there I'm not seeing.  It goes against everything I believe that a person can be nothing, completely useless, valueless, unequal to another, somehow less.  Lest I be mistaken, I am not talking about the homeless or gang members or the destitute here.  I've seen plenty of worthless-seeming folks with money and connections, and lots from somewhere in between.
    
The Sexes
Too much generalization goes on about men and women.  Sure, some folks are going to have things in common, and some of those commonalties will tend to occur more in one gender than another, but I see around me a world where the "exceptions" are nearly as plentiful as the "norms."  Every woman does not crave chocolate.  Every man does not love beer.  I want to throw up every time I hear, "It's a guy thing.  They're all like that."

Machiavellian or Not?
"Thou shalt not play games with people's heads."  That's a corollary to the above rule about jerking people around.
     
Trust
When I picked up my kids at the Methodist daycare, I noticed a poster in the dining area that said, "Trust in God and do good."  I realized that I do not trust God.  I'm not suspicious of him or anything, it's just that, if God exists, I think he's gonna do whatever he wants, or more likely nothing at all, letting us bring about our own rewards and punishments.  Trust means that you expect someone to do something ultimately beneficial to you, to fulfill promises, to keep you safe, or whatever.  I expect God to do nothing.
    
Value
The worth of a thing is seldom apparent at first look.  The same is true of people.  It's also interesting what different people find valuable.  If anyone can ever convince me of any true worth in diamonds and roses, I'd be surprised.
    
Fellowship & Love
This requires some loosening of barriers, the willingness to let your mind and heart squeeze out of the molds of stereotype and suspicion.  Some understanding and acceptance are necessary, to really love.
    
Spirituality and Ethics
Spirituality is a gut thing with me, a connection with every other living being on the planet.  While it's part of a foundation for ethics, the former is on an emotional plane, while the latter is a conscious, thinking endeavor.
    
Death
This is our destiny, and whether what happens at death is a journey of a newly freed soul or the last firing of synapses as they expire, I believe that you will perceive there whatever you expect, consciously or not, to find.

Brevity and Communication
Just spit it out for god's sake.  There is a tactful and yet accurate way to say everything.  Diplomacy should never be an excuse to hide information or to lie.  It is very possible to be tactful and brief at the same time.

Understanding
No person can ever be fully understood.  Every person can be largely understood.  Many people will never make the effort to understand anybody, but understanding is crucial to love.

Tit for Tat
There is a subtle distinction between revenge and preventive measures.  Do you really think this action will deter future attacks or just invite retaliation?  Sometimes you just have to do something.  Choose wisely what thing to do.  To do nothing at all is often an error.

Whining
I have not conquered this yet.  Working on it.

Ambition
I have none.  I do have goals and dreams, just no fiery locomotive driving me toward them.  Someone once told me about a mutual acquaintance, "She's young and hungry."  I understood the idea, but it isn't my way.  My long-term goal is to learn something about everything.  

Evil and Thought
Evil is represented as a force or even as an incarnation of Satan.  Certain horrific manifestations are described as the embodiment of evil.  I see evil as nothing more than the tendency to be contrary, to do harm, to be destructive, which all humans possess.  I know I am evil as well as good.  Evil is probably necessary to society, in minute measures, just as our bodies need minerals that in larger quantities can kill us.  I believe that our tendencies towards evil should not be ignored, simply controlled.  Snuffing out evil thoughts is an unhealthy practice.  They seek outlets subconsciously then.  Let's play with them out in the open where we can keep an eye on them.  This is where things like laser tag, dark poetry, and sado-masochistic sex play have their usefulness.

Facts
The perception of them makes all the difference.  That's what the spin industry is all about, presenting the facts in such a way that the perception of them meets the desired result.  We do this to ourselves as well.  Without that internal spin, a fact is boring and harmless.

Change
Change is inevitable.  Do it consciously or not.  Fight it or encourage it.  It's going to happen regardless.  And it's seldom exactly what is expected.

--Spring 
 
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