I don't really wanna write.  How perverse is that?  The words spew out of me all day long, into the unlistening air.  Sometimes I channel them into [dw] or the ear of a friend, but either way, they don't wind up here anymore.  Yeah, maybe this journal was a sole confidant for a long time, and for the past long while, that has not been a role for it anymore.  I, dear hearts, have a Life.
    But I still need it.  I still have the urge to write every day.  I just wish I could write right when I have the urge and not have to wait for the evening when I am exhausted, or have to choose between writing and doing.  Of course doing will win.  That is simply the case in my life, just now.
    
    We've had a death in the company.  One of our loaders was murdered on his lunch break last week while out on a delivery run.  His partner is the front office person.  It's a rough time for us all, but for her especially.  They have a small child.  The funeral is tomorrow and I haven't even given a thought to what to wear.  It's been too hard to stop thinking about the circumstances, about the family.
    We'll be locking up the shop so that we all can attend.
    
    I've been having lesbian dreams again.  It's not surprising, since I've been feeling distinctly hetero lately.  The pendulum swings.  Ever the sweating nerd, I wonder how will I ever develop the courage to chase the gazelle.  Snoops told me it's the same thing any guy has to face.  Sure the possibility of rejection is there, but you stand no chance at all if you never try.  These are things I know.  I know.
    Part of the problem is that I don't really get attracted to somebody until I begin to know them.  Well, I don't get many opportunities to get to know available women.  Sigh.  I should take out a personals ad.  Why the hell not.  Well, prolly because the kind of person I'd like wouldn't respond to a personals ad, that's why not.  Well.  Well.  Wayull.
    So, how would I find the kind of person I would like?  Random encounter is not working, obviously.  Don't think I'd be interested in a herd animal, would prefer somebody who does things the way she wants because she wants to.  I'd like somebody with an opinion and some feelings, somebody who can be passionate about ideas.  I'd like somebody with a voice.
    I like my chiropractor, even if she is all into Xmas.  These things can be forgiven.  She's nice to me, and interesting, and she has a good touch.  I can't help but feel that she's kinda off limits, though.  I mean, this is a purely clinical (althrough friendly) relationship we have at this point, and I'm not getting sexual feelings about her.  At this point.  Actually I believe some of that Mormon mental discipline is coming into play here, keeping me from thinking and feeling what I shouldn't be thinking and feeling and therefore leaving me guilt free.  Horesehit?  Possibly.
    Ok.  I like her.  And I get the distinct feeling I could like her a lot more in a lot less innocent way, but I'm not going down that road.  And I don't know how inappropriate of me it might be to ever make any kind of overture to her, having been her patient.  Plus I have no clue whether she's anything but straight or not.  I have horrible radar for that kind of thing.  God, it wouldn't be the first time I've been attracted to somebody whose orientation didn't mesh well with mine.  The big music company guy for instance.
    Heh, if there were a wish granting authority of some kind, what I wouldn't give to be a man just for a week.  Part of me remembers it from long ago, whether that is a past life memory or just a genetic memory from my ancestors or whatever, but it would be a good feeling to have again.  Not just to attempt a fling with the music guy, but for all sorts of pursuits.  Ahhh my wicked mind is at work...
    
    So.  There's an Xmas tree in my house.  Some who know me know how abhorrent this is to me.  The things I allow to maintain peace!  The will-he-ever-be-an-ex-??!! is clearing out of his housing in preparation for his reassignment well before Xmas, and so he'd have no tree at all for him and the kids unless they can have it at my house.  I really hate this stuff, but if it makes them happy...  Sigh.
.    
    Ooh!  Twister is on!
 

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