I was asked by email how I go about relationships in this whole poly thing, particularly whether I get my lovers' approval before starting something new. Again, I hope the person who asked doesn't mind my reprinting the answer here. It was a really long email and said a lot of stuff I'd been meaning to write here but hadn't sifted out of my head yet.
Firstly I don't date. Ever. Dating is part of that Sleeping Beauty mentality that says I will meet someone and they will be my True Love and I will live happily ever after. Which, in my case, is pure bullshit. If I meet a stranger hoping to find a lover, I am cutting out an entire vital phase of the relationship, the part where we get to know each other and get comfortable with each other, without pressure and assumptions. In other words, friendship.
I need friendship before romance, because that is the most stable foundation for a relationship I have ever found.
One of the first things a new friend finds out about me is that I am polyamorous. It's as essential to me as my hair and skin color, place of birth, occupation, etc. It's a very large slice of who I am, so they cannot know me without knowing that.
Now at the same time, I always talk to my lovers about my friends, and what we've been up to and what I think about them. (I introduce my friends to my lovers, and my friends to my friends as a matter of fact. My lovers introduce me to their friends as well.) Complete disclosure. So, for instance, as soon as I knew I was interested in the Cherub in a romantic way, I immediately told Captain Napalm and Wlofie, my lovers. Even before saying anything at all to the Cherub. I got Napalm's and Wlofie's blessings and approval before telling the Cherub anything. I love them and am committed to them; they come first.
Napalm and Wlofie, having already been through all the above steps and the ones below, have been prepared for this already. It is not an issue, and I can't imagine that it would be one unless for some reason I choose someone so obnoxious and horrible that my lovers cannot stand them. But birds of a feather flock together, and we usually like the same people.
Anyway, if the friend and I together then decide to pursue a romantic relationship, I again lay it out for them that I am poly, they have to fully know and accept what that means, and I run through with them all kinds of what if scenarios, and ask them to think about it long, hard, and seriously. I hate it when people think they can handle it and it turns out they can't. It causes hurt all the way around.
"Know for a fact that I will fall in love with other people. Be sure you can handle it. If you can't, let's decide now to stay simply friends, before anybody gets hurt. I am sure I can handle it if/when you fall in love with other people yourself. Just communicate with me and give me a decent chance."
So the answer to your question is yes, BUT there is a lot of groundwork before I even reach that point. My lovers know everything that is going on in my life, and sometimes they can predict my falling in love with somebody even before I know it myself.
Getting entangled with another person without my lovers knowing, in my universe, is cheating. It is plainly and simply cheating. The other person, if they really are my friend, will understand my need to make sure my lovers are ok with it before moving to a more romantic relationship. If the other person doesn't understand, then they are not ready for me, and I don't need that kind of trouble.
