28 May 01

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Everything Changes

I've been quiet, and some ask me why. There have been things afoot that I haven't been at liberty to discuss, and not being one to make small talk with an elephant in the room, I'd rather not talk at all.

My fears are flammable, but I try to stamp them out while small and smouldering before they can flame up into something unforgivably large and devouring. We've a commitment. Rather, two separate commitments, and that bothers me a bit.

We have The Plan, and we are engaged, and it all goes something like this:

I gave my boss notice Friday. I left out a good deal of what was wrong there and what it was doing to me. I merely said there were five good reasons for leaving, and that I didn't know which to start with. I wound up starting with the one sunny one, that I am engaged and moving to Florida.

That, my dears, is the seed of The Plan.

I am leaving. The children's father will soon be here to collect them. I'll wrap up my projects at work. I'll pick out the few things I'm taking with me, and call in Goodwill to come get the rest. Of course, that's after I've asked the neighbors to come get what they want.

I will leave with enough clothing to get by, some computer things, one cat, several plants, and some sentimental things. In fact that last category will probably comprise 70% of my payload. These items are the sorts of things I'd leave in my father's storage if I were in Mississippi, but I'm not.

I will spend a few days with Rebar. I will spend a few days with RatChick. Then I'm on I-95 South. And south and south and south, almost to its ending.

When I get there, I'll stay with Napalm for a time, while I look for work and a place to live. Yes, I am welcome to stay there with him permanently, but it's not the right time for that, and there are a few other reasons. At some point, I'll have employment and dwelling straightened out, and will enter a period of stability.

When we can make it happen, Wlofie will come to the US. I haven't seen him in person since two Januarys ago, and I miss him sharply. In the glow of reunion, he'll also have a chance to check out the country, to try and guess how much culture shock might be involved in living here, to see if it's something he wants to and can do.

If it's a go, after he gets back to Sweden I'll apply for a fiance visa for him, and so begins the process.

We are engaged. Wlofie and I. Sean and I. I love them so much that sometimes I get overtaken by fear.

I proposed. I proposed a legal marriage to Wlofie, despite my now steepened phobia against legal matrimony. I proposed a handfasting to Sean, despite the same fear about not-so-legal matrimony. I proposed because I am committed, and dare to show it.

My fear comes from their not knowing each other well. My fear has to do with insecurity and old grudges. My fear has to do with stubbornness, and with self fulfilling prophecy. We have to trust each other. We have to trust ourselves. And we have to communicate, communicate, communicate. The Poly Mantra.

If you truly love me, let any and all poison go, and trust me. I'll do the same. 

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