12 Feb 01

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Life is Sweet, Sometimes

Having a lot of ups and downs lately, lots of periods of richly enjoying life interspersed with periods of loathing it. It's all mixed in, like a salad. For instance, I enjoy the hell out of the amazing things my kids say, and do, but I blow a gasket at the stuff they do that is all out of line. I get so frustrated.

I had two misunderstandings with people close to me last week. One was with a lover over his status in my life and the other was with a fuckable friend over whether I trust him or not. These both seemed to be ego issues and they made me very, very tired, but we worked through them in both cases.

My two beautiful lovers, of whom I am so proud, and who make me indescribably happy, have begun to interact between themselves. They have so much in common. I don't expect them to be best buddies in the whole world. I don't expect anything at all, I just hope for peace and understanding. But it sure is nice to see my guys get along.

My love-friend, my there-is-no-word, has been around more lately, and in a good way, with laughter and tenderness. This enriches me like I cannot describe. I love to be there for him when things are rough on him, when he needs me. I love to nurture him. But I also love it when it's light and happy, and I can see his twisted humor and wicked laugh.

And my playmate has been visiting, bringing with him fun and funniness, kink and laughter, and a window on a world I have no idea about. He's so very different from me and from all I know. I really enjoy that. And he's talented.

Work is, well it's work. It's too much the inconstant lover for me to live it, so now I just do it. See that's how it is with me and work - I can either live the job, and give to it heart and soul, complete commitment, and serve it and honor it, and try to make it bear fruit, or I can just go there during the appointed hours and try to accomplish my tasks and then leave it behind when the time comes to. I came into this job with the heart and soul thing going on, but it has abused me, and I refuse to let it continue to, so now it's just a job. I need to be at peace in my world.

Underneath it all, though, is an uneasiness, a feeling of a storm on the horizon. Or maybe it's something else. I dunno, I have a feeling kind of like the one that came on before the big Easter revelation, and I bet it will be connected somehow to it. I have ideas, and theories, and I feel kinda pulled...

Well, I am not ready yet to say much on that, but there is an expectant vibration under my feet, and I wonder what it will mean. 

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