14 Dec 00

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Little Treasures

I've been going through my old messages. I told someone I'd delete some old stuff. That person wants to forget, and would probably like me to forget. I'll honor that.

So of course, going through these old things, I have to read them again. Look over letters before you toss them into the fire. They hurt. They hurt like fucking hell, which is why they are going into the fire, really. When Rebar told me in February that we couldn't be lovers anymore, I did the same thing, to a degree. I archived all the email he had written me as a lover into a single text file, and buried it deep in the system (never to visit it since), and deleted the originals. I saved all the email he'd written as a friend.

God these messages now hurt, but they are hard to get rid of, these little treasures. I save and cherish the beautiful things that are given me, because they are infused with the feelings they came with. It doesn't matter if my husband and I have divorced, for instance, when it comes to the aspen leaf earrings he gave me. Those are very special, from a very special time, and full of a very special feeling, and deserve to be revered and adored.

When facter asked me to pull my journal entries, I couldn't destroy them, so I hid them, until time elapsed and it was ok.

Maybe that's sentimental, and I don't think of myself as a sentimental person. But some things are just like that. They are far too special.

So now these things...

If I burn them, does that unwrite history? Does it become a hallucination? Do I cry over literally nothing?

If I stuff them away the way I did Rebar's emails, does that betray their author, who now thinks everything is now undone and gone and nonexistent? Will that person fear that these words may come back hauntingly, to ruin whatever is built now and in the future?

Either way, they have to get out of my sight, because their beauty also brings bitterness. I feel like the betrayed one. Either I was lied to then, or I am sold out now.

Oh, god. There is love poetry in here. There is philosophy about love and life in here. There's a lot of things in here that just sound like lies now.

They should die. 

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